Are You a Peacekeeper or a Peacemaker?
I have known the phrase for as long as I can remember: “Blessed are the peacemakers”. But it wasn’t until I started to seek to make sense of my inner world that I realized I had been mis-interpreting it. I had peacemaking confused with peacekeeping.
Perhaps you have, too. If you find yourself thinking and feeling that “keeping the peace” is your job, then this is for you.
Imagine if your inner world was like the surface of a small pond that you can stand and observe from the shore. As you are looking at it, you are thinking about how smooth and mirror-like the surface is and how you love to see your reflection in that state of perfection because it feels like everything is in order.
Now, what if a strong wind comes up over the waters. As the wind picks up, in the natural world, the water will start to ripple and wave. If it gets strong enough it might even get whitecaps and crash on the shore. At this point, you won’t be able to see that perfect reflection in the water because things are happening that are beyond your control. Yet, you also know that this is how the wind and the water work together, leaning into their natural elements. You wouldn’t be concerned with trying to see your perfect reflection in the water because you would recognize that this was just a reflection of a moment in time when all those things lined up.
However, what if the wind picked up and all around it was swirling, and YET the water didn’t move? That wouldn’t just be weird, it would make you wonder what's wrong with the water, as it’s going against the natural flow of how the elements work together.
Peacekeeping and peacemaking are like this pond and the wind…
When we seek to keep peace, we have a goal of what we perceive to be harmony. We want people to get along and we don’t want to cause the awkward discomfort that comes from confrontation, dissention, and heavy handedness. We are focused on validation from those outside of us so that we can feel okay with who we are - even if we know we are not being honest about the full extent of what is going on.
Keeping the peace means keeping the waters of our relationships ripple free and it can show up in every area of our lives:
In marriages and relationships it can mean not holding our partners or ourselves accountable because we care more about avoiding conflict than authentic connections
In parenting it can become a habitual way that we avoid dealing with emotions that are difficult, behaviours that are endured even when they are not serving them, or helicoptering in, over and over again
At work, peacekeeping can look like tolerating micro (or macro) aggressions, racism and marginalization, simply because it is uncomfortable to face and move through
In our inner worlds it can feel like we have formed an ingrained habit of backing down, not speaking up, and holding our thoughts and truth inside of us at all costs.
In our bodies, peacekeeping can feel like gritting our teeth and putting a smile on our face when we need to give an Oscar worthy performance for something that we don’t agree with, that offends us, or that intimidates us. It can result in everything from a sore neck and shoulders to life threatening diseases our body holds onto as a defense mechanism
But although keeping the peace is our first inclination whenever we face conflict without or within, the only way to have a truly peaceful future is to make peace. Because making peace is an inside job.
Keeping the peace in our relationships with others and ourselves really only manages to do one thing in the end: protect our fragile ego. The part of us that panics at the thought of that water having ripples and discord will trample all over us in the effort to find the exit door in the situation. Keeping the peace seeks to relinquish and avoid the uncomfortable because we see it as a reflection of us.
However, peacemaking is so profoundly different that It creates its own category of one. Making peace is about true ownership of our actions, our choices, and even our emotions. We make peace when we decide that who we are matters more than how other people think or feel about us.
Peacemaking happens in the moment by moment choices we make, time and again, as we find the courage to ask ourselves the less obvious questions like:
Is it possible that I have a belief about this situation that may not be true?
What would be possible if I let go of this old belief?
What would happen if I simply assumed that the person across from me was doing their best?
What does taking responsibility for where my life is right now look like for me?
What does it mean for me in this situation to let go and simply choose to feel good about who I am and where I am at?
Am I truly doing what I can to consider someone else’s perspective?
Peacemaking is not fun and it’s not going to win you many external accolades. But it will inevitably call you to let go and surrender to life - and that’s a good thing.
Waters are healthier after they are stirred up, conversations need to be had, letting go of old beliefs is both liberating and essential for all of us - no matter where we are in life. But if all we are doing is keeping the peace then all we will get is an illusion of what peace and acceptance really means.
To answer the call to lead is to commit to being a peacemaker. Make peace with who you are and who you want to become, my friend, because you’re worth it.
